Can't Accept My Stepson
TheNewMomma
21 years ago
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angel18515
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agolaurels4u
17 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Can't get with the step-son
Comments (17)I'm not cranky, nor am I going to attack... I can understand how it would be difficult to build a relationship with a child when you do not care for his/her personality... there are five children in total and I'm sure the others take up plenty of your time & energy. You are not obligated to love him or have a relationship any more than he is obligated to love or have a relationship with you. Let his father parent him. It's not your job. He does not live there, he only visits... so let his father spend time with him and have a relationship with him. You can focus on your children. Having unrealistic expectations about everyone in the family should feel any certain way about each other, is only setting up disappointments. You are not going to change his personality, he is not going to warm up to you when he may feel your dislike of his personality. If you can't handle accepting that you are not going to change him, then you might consider leaving the relationship or removing yourself from the situation when he is there. It would be horrible if your feelings make his visits less than enjoyable for him and his father or worse, if he were to stop seeing his father because of you. So, take him off your to do list and move on. He is not your child, he is not your problem... there is nothing to fix besides your attitude toward him. Quite frankly, I was a bit outraged at the mention of DNA. My SD is 10. A few months ago, her mother shouted at my DH that he isn't even her father... and for a couple of days, he considered a DNA test. My SD looks NOTHING like my DH. I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind but she is 10 years old, he is her father... he loves her & she loves him. Isn't that more important than DNA? I asked my DH what he would do if the results came back that he was not biologically her father, he didn't want to find out. It would devastate him. I cannot imagine why anyone would voice that question after so many years when a relationship has been formed and the one that will be crushed will surely be the child if they lost the person they thought was their parent. How horrible is that? It made my heart break when I read that. As for shaping kids that don't live with you... kids are not shaped by ONE person. They are shaped by all the life experiences and people in their lives. Parents are primary but they learn from their teachers, friends, neighbors, clergy, and even strangers they see in public, who they may never meet. I also don't believe it's possible to contain your displeasure for someone unless you are good at being fake. You may smile but we all give out vibes and kids are excellent at feeling that out... from birth. If you can't change your feelings, the best thing you can do to make the situation bearable for everyone is to keep your distance and let him have a relationship with his father....See MoreCan't stand Step-son, do I leave DH?
Comments (38)Thank you, thank you, thank you to Silversword and lamom. You get what I am saying. I was not trying to "goat" anyone into anything or stir up the pot. I really was posting my deep thoughts, kind of like a journal to myself while at the same time trying to explain the situation. The reason I wrote the stuff about the BM being proud of being 'white trash' was because I was trying to explain about what I am dealing with here. That is all. I am the furtherest thing from someone who is all high and mighty and I don't think I am better than anyone else. In fact I am more of the black sheep in my family partly because I am not so judgmental and I am the rebel. I have tattoos, moved out at 17 on my own, don't like people to tell me what to do, etc. And yes I freely admit I am a control freak. That is something I am working very hard on. After the first post I was just adding details and my mind and thinking were changing. I am glad that my tune has changed since last Sunday. I am feeling much more optimistic now. Honestly I didn't think I was even going to come back to this site and I told myself today ok just go see what was said but don't post anymore. I am glad I did come back because both silversword and lamom made feel better and realize that not everyone here is so judgemental. I can take criticism and I was really thankful for the first few posts that told me to grow up because that is exactly what I needed to hear. And I do not get off on or enjoy writing inflammatory posts. I am sorry I was just writing my story and the quotes that sylviatexas posted that I wrote on the first day I registerd were written because that is what was said. I was not making anything up, that is my story and I am sticking to it, lol. My DH did not graduate but I don't hold that against him. I still love him very much. He also had a drug addiction in his past but you know what he is stronger for it and has proven how he can overcome almost anything. People do change and I do not hold their past on them forever. When I say he went through a bad period that is what I was referring. There is, of course, way more to the story and lamom is right you can not describe it all in one post, or even probably in 100. But what matters most is that this site did help me. I got a change to write my thoughts down and try to figure out what in the world I was really feeling. The more I wrote about SS and what HE has to deal with the more I found that I do care about him. I really do. It is still going to take time to build a relationship but I think it is all going to be ok....See Morecan't stand step-son
Comments (15)@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids....See Moredislike stepson - need help to save my marriage
Comments (13)Ok...I don't have teenagers (yet!) and after reading this I might lock them in closets between 13 & 18 (just kidding *LOL*) but truthfully. I've worked with teenagers and agree that some of this is just where they are emotionally (if you remember - it was an awkward time!), some of this is his issues with his parenting (mom leaving, dad making little to no effort), part of this is his testing your love for him. (Ever read the children's book "mama do you love me?" it is all about that test of love for children.) But part of me thinks that you have allowed a level of disrespect from him in the past 4 years and still given him things that please him. Children have the ability to change their behavior parent-according. Like Alstep's SK knowing that dad is a marine who would never tolerate such behavior. I'm strict so my SS(s) pull less with me than with other parental figures (BM, Grandparents...etc.) It is hard to correct behavior that probably should have been nipped in the bud years ago but I would still try. I agree with all the previous posts in that aspect. He is not a lost cause. Most importantly, however, is exactly what others have said. Your DH needs to step up and instead of thinking "this is magically going to change when SS leaves" you need to be thinking "this needs to change now." This is not going to sound very nice but DH's "let you deal it" attitude is a form of disrespect as well. After all - this is HIS biological child - it is MORE his problem than yours (that is not to say that you didn't sign-on as a mom when you married a full custodial parent but I really feel like DH was burnt out on being a dad so when you came into the picture he used you as his vacation from parenting.) I've seen this behavior before. Knowing that you will step up and do what needs to be done has taken a weight off of him (and unjustly put it on you!) And you have allowed it (while secretly brewing resentment and frustration for the past 4 years since you unknowingly volunteered to be a single parent in a marriage.) You need to talk to DH and let him know that parenting needs to be a SHARED adventure (which is sometimes a shared headache!) You may see better results with a counselor because things that are "objective" coming from a third party are "personal" coming from your spouse. Although you have put all of this stress and frustration on your SS ("I hate him"), it is not REALLY about him or his behaviors. It is about the fact that you feel alone in a no-win situation and would like a little help from the other parent in your home. You, and every parent on the planet (biological, step or adoptive) needs respite! Respite can come in the form of what I call "daddy duty" when I just NEED to sleep in, be alone in a store, or have a "girls night out" (we've obviously got littler ones.) It is joint-parenting. I'm very fortunate that my DH and I agree on discipline and that he is very intuitive to my needs. He seems to know when I'm being pushed to the brink and he steps up to relieve me saying "I've got it this time". You are lucky that you are married (I don't know how single parents do it!) You need to UNITE with your spouse and decide how you are going to handle this situation TOGETHER. It is not fair that you probably feel like a single mom who never even gave birth. (My DH is great but I've felt that way myself. Luckily, when I voiced it, he was receptive to it but he wasn't always as instinctive as he is now!) You MAY be frustrated with your SS's behavior but he is NOT the center of this problem. And won't it suck when he leaves in three years and the problem doesn't go with him! Has dad ever given him just dad-son time? It seems to me that this boy is crying out to be acknowledged by his father. He is becoming a man and wants to know how. Your DH needs to show you more respect by stepping up to his responsibilities as an example to his son. If Dad doesn't take on responsibility and doesn't show you respect, why should he? SS could also be anticipating the destruction of a marriage here (he doesn't need to know that you don't make love to know something isn't right!) Maybe your DH could discuss having a weekend fishing trip (or something) with just he and SS but that SS has to earn it by following the rules, doing his homework, and being respectful. There HAS to be something that SS does "care" about. Has DH ever sat down and talked to SS about what he is so down about? Can you level with him at all?...See Morecopiano23
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